MerMan Seeking Femgoblin

Dear Kryzta, 

I am a 16 year old MerMan from Nü Jerseí. Before the end of the summer, I would like to ask my friend on a date; however, I am sweating out of my gills and can’t get the words out. What do other 16 year old goblins like? How can I impress her? 

Appreciate you, Madly in Love

Hey Madly in Love, 

FemGoblins are a tricky breed. They are drawn to some weird stuff that may be a challenge for you to obtain; however, if you get these items, you two will be MerGoblin Lovers faster than a human female realizing that centaurs don’t have the “parts” they are seeking.  Travel to the Bermuda Triangle, locate the Bermuda Diamond, there you will find the Bermuda Square.  Reach into the square and there you will find Goblin Grapes.  Take one, plant it, and then when they grow ask the FemGoblin out along with a Goblin Grape.  Best of luck! - Kryzta

The Monster (Tor)Mentor

Welcome all ghouls, goblins, werewolves, dragons and whatever you may be- THIS is my amazing advice column. Monsters from all over the universe are invited to write to me and I will do my best to assist with all your problems. Better than “Dear Skabby.” Funnier than Ann Slanderous. Wiser than Oprah.

Let me be your mentor, or better yet, your tormentor.

Kryzta